She. and me.

I feel I’ve been forgetting my older self.
The pieces of stability I’ve been Tetris-ing so carefully
have started to stack and pile up up up
– a jumble of colors and shapes.
And so I am trying to keep these things in mind
while remembering the wisdom I’ve attained.  The lessons
from painful situations.
The poignant and powerful therapy conversations.
I play hostess to the younger me.
So we can hash it out.
Try to understand each other.
Come to an agreement.
Or at least entertain a meet & greet .
They get along just fine – she and me.
The challenge is the cacophony their co-existence creates
for the in-the-moment me.
There are consequences and grievances.
Additional time is needed to learn more about the same things.
Don’t get cocky with wisdom.
It will inevitably show you who’s boss.
The cup of learning runeth over.
No matter how fast you drink.

Written Friday, July 27th, 2012 @ Smith.

***

I began last week feeling as though I had forgotten who I was.  I couldn’t completely find the person I’ve become over the course of these thirty-three years. I felt lost. Confused. Unsteady.

Over the past couple of months I’ve been making decisions and acting in ways that I thought I had worked past. I thought I’d ‘become a better person’, as some people will describe it. I made these kinds of mistakes, made poor decisions, and reacted without thinking like this in my 20’s. Haven’t I moved past that?! I thought I had. But reality does that from time-to-time. There are triggers like time bombs waiting to go off, to keep you on your humble toes. Some of these past few days have felt like every step is a ‘click’ on a box in a game of ‘Mindsweep’. (Side note: That game is addictive! It’s hard to say whether the aim is to try to avoid uncovering the bombs, or if it’s about experiencing the tension and fear of the possibility of discovery.)

And so I’ve heard my younger self and my wiser self comparing notes and talking to one another. I listen. Yes. I still make some not-so-good decisions. And, yes. There will be times when I lose control of my composure and logic in stressful and emotional situations. The difference here is these unwanted habitual behaviors, the behaviors I’ve tried to rid myself of, the difference is perspective. The difference is awareness. The difference is – I am doer and observer. The difference is. I listen. I see the choices and opportunities.

***

“Mistakes are inevitable, but they may also give us the wisdom to move forward. Says the Dalai Lama: “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.””   – From an article written by John McManamy.

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