you. push and pull.
pull and push. and push me aside.. I keep looking. for you.. think of not long ago. when you looked at me that way. and said those things. that way.. they melted my heart.. i hear them in memories. your words.. they make my heart bleed. perforate ventricle walls. and cornea. my eyes bleed.. my head hurts from the thinking. the confusion clogging my wakefulness.. bewildered by the mysterious mystery. of the past. colored dark by you. actions and words.. no words.
me. i’m ok.
i have my joy.. joy has me.. sometimes it gets put in a drawer. sometimes it has to be swaddled. needs a kiss.. sometimes it pounces on a gray moment. and shakes me. to a bowl of jelly. laughing to see itself shake.shake.shake.. a belly roll for a jelly bowl.. silly. i know. i’ve kept the promise.. to swat at joylessness when she raps at windows. doors.. she tries. to snake her way in through cracks… i push her. away when she does.. i push and pull. away.
Written Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013.