This moment more fully.

I’ve been wanting to write about what’s been going on for me for a few weeks now, but have tended to talk myself out of it because (?) Whatever the reason, an unleashing must be unleashed before I can move on to the daunting amount of reading I have to do for school. (Or anything else resembling productivity.)

I’ve hit that point that doctor’s tell you about after you’ve found something that works for you, “Now, the medication may stop working at some point and we’ll have to try something else.”

Ugh. Really?

Wellbutrin has been my magic bean. It has lifted me to life for years. After a while, I started taking Zoloft for anxiety, and the combination was just the potion I needed to manage my depression and anxiety. Over time, the highest dose of Zoloft was no longer effective, so my doctor prescribed Effexor. Voila! It gave me the kick I needed. But. That effect eventually wore away, as well.

Currently, I’m tapering off the Effexor and will slowly introduce Prozac. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this will help me cause this girl needs some relief! I haven’t been feeling terrible. I’m not bed-bound or voraciously eating whatever I can find that is not best for me – two symptoms that are part of my depressive episode experience. I’m functioning. Showering. I wear clean clothes. And ‘outside’ clothes, not just pj’s. I do my homework. And work-work. I read. Post funny things on FB. I play with my cat and call him silly names. I attend social gatherings with friends, sometimes.

I’m not in a melancholic paralysis. I’m not standing in the kitchen, staring at the knives. I’m managing. But I feel like depression’s talons are holding me hostage until I feed it just the right prescriptive concoction. I feel tired. And spacey. My excitement and motivation hit a low ceiling that isn’t there when I feel OK. It’s difficult to focus, to remember, to speak sometimes. Negativity and self-deprecating thoughts squirm in my brain. I question my abilities, my talents. I triple-guess my thoughts, my choices. I worry about my present, my future. Round and round they go:

  • How can I possibly get through school feeling this way?
  • What kind of counselor would I be with these phases rearing their unattractive heads?
  • Why haven’t I completed my poetry project? There’s no point, I suppose.
  • I’ve been so moody. I can be a better partner than this.

Though I know these thoughts are poppycock, they’re rubbish. I still feel them. I know they are farce but they still affect me and my behavior. I’m not riding each day with the curiosity, vigor, and creativity in the way that I know I am capable of. And I know these are symptoms. I know this state is temporary. I know I’ll be OK. I know I am OK. I’m not forlorn about my situation. The joy and vitality will emerge.

But it saddens me, as it does from time-to-time, to know that while in-the-moment, I ‘could’ be appreciating this moment more fully. I could be holistically appreciating and taking advantage of these moments more completely, if it weren’t for depression. I know that depression isn’t a part of me, of who I am. It likes to parade around in costume that looks like me. It likes to mimic my voice, my gestures. Steal my thoughts, emotions. I know I’ll win this round, as I have each previous match.

I must be patient. Keep pushing. Keep waking up, taking showers, wearing clothes, clean clothes, clean ‘outside’ clothes, clothes other than pj’s. Keep reading and working. Stay in touch with friends. Play with my ridiculous cat. Water the plants. I haven’t gone anywhere, I’m here. For now, there’s a wicked snickering monkey on my back.

 

2 thoughts on “This moment more fully.

  1. I came across your blog via the podcast you did with Dr. Kirk Honda. Never have my feelings of depression been articulated in such an accurate manner. Thank you. I have been suffering from depression for most of my life….at least 39 out of 49 years…maybe longer. I was on Zoloft for nearly 20 years and, after a particularly serious, debilitating bout of depressive paralysis, I am in the process of transitioning to Wellbutrin. I am cautiously optimistic. I am finally in consistent therapy, having moved to a much larger, urban setting where treatment is readily available. Undoubtedly, I thought a change in scenery would “cure” the depression…but it came back with a vengeance. Currently working on increasing my spirituality and attending a fellowship with those who suffer some of the same issues as I.
    Keep up the good work. Please know that candidly airing your struggle with depression has affected at least one person – and I’m sure many more…and I thank you for that!

    Peggy in Cincinnati

    • Hi Peggy. You are welcome. Thanks for your note and for sharing your experience with me. It really does help to reach out to one another and share what we have been/are dealing with, isn’t it? The struggle sometimes feels impenetrable. It’s tiresome. I am going through a tough bout myself and your thoughtful note has helped to remind me of myself – who I am when not stumbling about in the nebulous haunting cloud of depression. I’m glad to hear that you are searching for and finding ways to manage your depression and that you are connecting with others who understand. I hope the Wellbutrin is helpful and that you continue to step out of the darkness. You have inspired me to write about my current struggle, something that has helped me to step out of mine, so thank you. 🙂 O

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