Inside and inside out.

I fucked up. I made mistakes. I regret them. I am learning from them. I am losing from them. I am dying inside from them. Inside and inside out.

I thought I had figured out more about myself than I have. I thought I had figured out more about you than I have. All of you. But mostly you.

I look for the silver lining without getting carried away. There are shiny things to reach for and hold onto. Forgivenesses wrapped in all the things you don’t want done to you, all the things you don’t want to do to others.

I wade in the sludge of the black inside the silver lines. Before any changes can be made.

Deep; steady breaths.

***

It’s funny.
I see it now.
I have a choice
And I can decide.

Either you dance in the rain
Or hide from the sun.

It’s not about you or them.
It’s about me and mine.
No more right or wrong.
It’s faith and movement.

I know what it’s like
When you feel like your jaw’s about to break.
When your teeth are so tight you can’t breathe.

I know what it’s like
When the night seems too dark
And every shadow feels like it’s scraping down your skin.

But.

I know what it’s like
When fruit feels like sex
Juice on the chin and beads at the tips of your fingers.

I know what it’s like
To wake to a moment
And realize.

I know what I want.
I know how to get there.
Deep; steady breaths – I’m sprinting.

 

Written Thursday, 9.18.03.